29 stupid things I've learned at 29 that I will definitely have to keep learning over and over again
a self-indulgent birthday post
Round birthday bouquet; Anonymous; ca. 1875
It’s my birthday! And I can do whatever I want! So I interrupt our regularly scheduled botanical meditations for some personal reflection. I have loved the genre of “[insert number] of things I’ve learned at [insert age or special date or event]” ever since I was a young #girlboss reading Tim Ferriss blogs. But I soon realized that style didn’t feel right to me, because it presents the illusion that I am able to follow my own advice. So here is my list of 29 stupid things I've learned at 29 that I will definitely have to keep learning over and over again
No peanut butter cup imitators are as good as Reese’s. No one else can get the texture of the peanut butter filling right. Homemade and Trader Joe's are delicious, but they can’t beat Reese’s.
Reading about writing and writing are unfortunately not the same.
Also, reading a book review does not mean I have read the book :(
Most people consider themselves to be moral and act accordingly. However, everyone’s also tired, busy and on a budget. Providing easy ways to do good is powerful. See: the Benjamin Franklin effect, Kony 2012.
There’s a caveat to #4: People will justify a lot for the company/industry that’s supporting them, especially in a country where healthcare is tied to employment. See: Merchants of Doubt.
I hate the taste of bitter drinks, like beer and coffee. I keep trying coffee because lots of cool people seem to enjoy it, but now I’m old and I still don’t like it.
When I feel self-conscious about posting something on social media because maybe it’s “virtue signaling,” I remind myself that peer pressure is powerful. And I make a donation or volunteer to support my public statement. Is the previous sentence virtue signaling? I don’t care!
Texas horned lizards can shoot blood out of their eyes. This is not something I have to keep learning over again; I just wanted to share.
Exercise! The solution to so many problems! Except not our fatphobic culture.
If I find myself in a shit-eating contest, stop. Obviously, discipline is necessary in pursuit of a clear goal. But suffering just for the sake of seeing who can suffer the most is not worth it. See: academia, some youth sports, journalism, medicine, motherhood. Attribution: I think Alan Cline at the University of Texas said the “shit-eating contest” line, but it might have been another professor.
Fun is not dumb.
There is always another appetite coming. Better to eat the snack and not be hangry than try to hold out for dinner. Attribution: Jerry Seinfeld, regularly reminded by my bf.
When I have done a good job of identifying what I want, it’s usually not as difficult as I think it will be. What is hard: pursuing a goal I’m not that invested in because I think it’s the only way to get people to love me.
It is hard to separate other people’s opinions from what I want! A good tool: Jealousy. What do other people have that I desire? Jealousy doesn’t lie.
If I’m still tempted to do something just because a loved one suggested it, I try to remind myself that they care more about my happiness than my adherence to their guidance. Or at least, I feel excruciatingly exposed whenever I say something that could possibly be construed as advice (this list included) and very much hope people will do whatever they want.
Unreasonably strong hatred of an individual is a reflection of what I most dislike about myself and should probably work on.
People always say “read your writing out loud” and it sucks how effective it is. Reading it loudly in your head is not the same. And now I have to read this stupid list with my vocal cords.
Eating regular meals and eating carbs in particular does give me energy.
When I am supposed to edit or fact check a story, I will inevitably find something to comment on no matter how good it is. So it is unlikely that my editor will hand my work back saying “This is so perfect. I angsted over it for two weeks without finding a single flaw.” I should stop expecting that to happen.
Paradoxically, the more specific and personal my story is, the more people will relate to it.
Both grammar and conventional grooming standards have racist, sexist and heteronormative histories. But if I don’t make at least a basic effort to adhere to these rules, people will be distracted from what I’m trying to say. Attribution: I think Tina Fey said the part about beauty standards in her book, which I recently listened to a Celebrity Memoir Book Club episode about.
I procrastinate most aggressively whenever I’m fighting through some sort of hard emotion, usually shame. Knowing this information is not really that helpful, except I proceed with the certainty that if I don’t do a task that’s important to me I will feel bad about it forever. Whereas if I do it late it still gets done. See: having tough conversations with people who are important to me, sending my stories to my sources.
There is always an explanation for people’s actions. If someone seems like they’re behaving irrationally, I’m not paying close enough attention.
People usually kill houseplants by overwatering, not underwatering. This also works as a metaphor for relationship anxiety. Give the plants and cool friends some space, Ellen!
I will never want to go to the party/hang out/meeting/work/gym/airport in the moments right before I have to start getting there. If I gave into this feeling every time, I would never leave my apartment. So sometimes I have to power through.
Fancy hotels charge a security deposit fee of $200! But then they return it if I don’t destroy the room! I’m traveling for work and called the front desk confusedly, then remembered that I’ve panicked about this before.
To discourage a certain behavior while also creating intimacy: complain loudly about someone else exhibiting the same behavior, as gossip. I can even make the other person up. Example: “Ugh, my friend Joan is so annoying when she flakes five minutes before we’re supposed to hang out.” I have to be more subtle in real life, but that’s the idea.
Email is a skill that I can practice. It’s also an art that some high schoolers and college students haven’t mastered yet. That doesn’t mean they’re not invested in whatever we’re doing together, it just means they haven’t had many opportunities to email before.
I really don’t know clouds/love/life at all. Attribution: Joni, of course.
What fun to read. HBD you crazy angel you! xoxo
I love this list!!
#1 SO TRUE
#2 ditto lol sob
#6 Lol good to know 29 is now old :) (but there is a lot of wisdom in this list so I believe you!)
#15 haha I love giving advice! maybe a skill that pops up when you're 39 :)
#19 literal lol, sounds so funny to state this wish out loud.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLEN!